To be a charismatic, charming, with magnetism, sexy … is basic learn to overcome (or at least keep them at bay) deep fears we all feel a greater or lesser degree and which hinder human relations.
But, what we fear when it comes to trying to catch the attention of someone who seems attractive or consolidate a relationship? Basically, we reject. Although rationally know that nothing happens because a man does not want a serious commitment to you, or a woman you love to tell you only care about you as a friend, your subconscious may experience a deep and irrational fear. While sipping a beer with your friends might tell them “He would lose, what a fool!” And you grow up with pats of encouragement, but inside your inner child can feel like she’d been thrown into a black hole. It is terror not belong to anyone, to be alone, excluded from the group, forever.
How they affect fears
This fear often becomes an unconscious force that drives us to stay next to a couple who hurts us, embark on relationships that do not suit us or maintain a succession of surface affaires not fill us, but we can not hurt.
Fear of rejection is closely related to fear of failure. If you are inwardly convinced that you are not good enough, you’re not up to the man or woman of your dreams or do not deserve to love and be loved yourself looking for situations in which you will ensure that the object of your desire you clearance, or that you can not get close enough to thoroughly know (because you think that if you know your underbelly could reject). This is the case of women who always are attracted to married men or busy, or men who just relax with a woman when they are in a distance relationship.
The effects of fear on the body and mind
When these feelings are activated and fears take control, the body reacts quickly: the muscles become stiff, choppy breathing, blood pressure rises, the heart beats faster and the body secretes adrenaline. That is because our body is reacting today as millions of years ago when our integrity threats were real, immediate (as a natural disaster or a hungry wild animal).
But now, the problems are mostly psychological. Therefore, without fear it somatizes channel is shaped ailments such as hypertension, ulcers or anxiety. In addition, this altered state predisposes us to generate negative thoughts that make us feel even worse and leads us to act very unattractive ways. We can behave aggressively: rudeness, insults, scornful comments, etc. Or with excessive shyness, trying to go unnoticed without dealing with conflicts. we can also let us show undecided, tense, rigid or ambiguous. Or being too submissive or too arrogant.
Behaviors that favor the fear of rejection and how to avoid them
The problem is that these forms of action are not only very little seductive but paradoxically, cause rejection both want to avoid. Aggressive cause fear or contempt, are marginalized timid, indecisive bored, submissives are humiliated and put on guard proud to others. It is true that for a first date, under the influence of alcohol or a friends with benefits relationship can pretend that we are not afraid and create us a picture of false security in ourselves, but eventually needed a change of attitude. Avoid situations that make us feel vulnerable or pretend that we do not care if someone who seems attractive ignores us not solve the root problem.
To begin to master the fear of rejection, you must first learn to accept it. It is a latent fear that is activated in certain situations, and if we know what he can wake up and how it makes us feel, rather than cover it with alcohol or defensive behavior, we will not need to run away from him, or from getting into situations that activate it. It is give ourselves permission to experience how it feels to be rejected, and thus stop being afraid of that feeling and recognize that it is very unpleasant and we do not want to experience it. We learn that, indeed, although not pleasant being rejected us not fall if it happens the world over. With that attitude, more serene and healthy, we will want to gradually move away from those people who do not like us and look to others to help us bring out the best of ourselves.